Monday was somewhat traumatic, with new lecture theatres to find, scattered across London and needing nearly half an hour to get from one to the other, with only half hour breaks between sessions. And I missed my lunch break because I'd signed up for an extra maths session and the combination of distance plus the extra session meant not only did I miss lunch but I was late for the lecture afterwards, as I had to rush back to my locker for my file and then find yet another new lecture theatre which again turned out to be a fast 20 minutes walk away.
In total, then, I was 45 minutes for lectures/seminars through the week. M foregave the Monday ones because of the stress, and we've ascertained that it won't happen again as I now know where all the various buildings are. So that's forgiven - this week.
I was also very, very late with bedtimes over the week - in fact when M made me add up all the time I'd been out of bed after midnight for no good reason, it came to 3 hours and 40 minutes.
Which means that at some point this weekend I'll be receiving 24 strokes of the cane.
Help.
M pointed out that the numbers don't actually add up - 6 strokes for each hour late plus another 6 strokes for the last 40 minutes. But apparently I should be grateful not to receive 8 per hour plus 6, which would've been 30. So I'm not saying anything!
I've got loads of work to do for Monday as well, normally I do it all on Friday but I wasn't very well yesterday and only did two bits. Which means I'm going to have to do it all today and tomorrow. Sigh.
Saturday 13 October 2007
Saturday 6 October 2007
First week
Well, I made it through the first week. Technically it's the second week but the first-first week was orientation and this week was actual lectures and seminars, so it feels like I've just finished the first week.
I'm wiped.
On Thursday night I clung to M and bawled my eyes out - I don't handle change very well... except that I do, I very carefully examine what's changing or needing to change, and how and why and when and what all the implications of this will be, wher the potential pit-falls are, what I need to look out for. And then I go ahead and do it. So you could say that I'm very good at handling change, if it weren't for how incredibly stressful I find it.
M has been supportive, reassuring, stern and not-stern as I've needed, and I'm really very grateful to him. In fact I'd even forgotten that I don't handle change very well - but he didn't, and was very willing to talk things through with me.
One of the problems with higher education, we both agreed, is the level of self-discipline required, which most people don't have. When you're in school your teachers will notice if you don't do your work, or do unexpectedly badly in a test, and will talk to you about it. So will your parents. And when you're in the world of work, the work that you do ties in with the work other people do, so again if you don't do it, or do it badly, people will notice and talk to you about it. It' only in higher education that they don't care, where it's your responsibility to get your work in on time and to a good standard, no one will chase you if you don't and it doesn't affect anyone else if you wind up with a poor grade as a result.
M has repeatedly reiterated that this is not the case for me. I am immensely grateful for this, because I find it easier to do well if I know I'm going to be held to account - I suspect that most people are, we don't want to let people down or give people reason to have a bad opinion of us - whether this is your parents, teachers, colleagues or friends. I'm also immensely grateful because I'm finding it rather thrilling - I've something of a schoolgirl kink, and this is pushing all my buttons :-)
I've drawn up a timetable of my classes, and started a list of the work required for each. These are online so that M can check them.
During the working week, if I'm not in a class I'm expected to be doing private study, usually either in the library or a computer lab. And just to help me along with that, when I'm at the computer, the only non-work-related site I'm allowed to access is my personal email.
I'll be having a weekly review with M, and if I havent managed to finish that week's work by the weekend, I'll have to spend some of our precious weekend time studying. I do know that this is probably inevitable - it's a hard course and there's a lot of work, and I'm not allowed to skimp on it just so I can say it's done. But knowing that will give me extra incentive to work later during the week, so that I don't lose out on time with him.
At Christmas, we've been told, we'll be able to do some progress tests. This is because we won't be examined on the stuff we're learning this week, until June. The progress test let us know in advance if there are any problems. The lecturers kept telling us that they're not compulsory but that they're recommended for those reasons. I already knew what M would say and sure enough when I told him, he confirmed. These are not optional for me, I will be taking them, and I will be aiming for good grades.
And if I ever skip a class, or am late to class, or haven't prepared for a class, without discussing it with M first and/or having a very good (i.e. life or death) reason? I've been reassured ther will be Consequences.
It's such a relief to know that M's with me on this, that he's not only willing to monitor me and encourage me or make me work or punish me, etc - he wants to. For which I'm incredibly grateful.
I'm wiped.
On Thursday night I clung to M and bawled my eyes out - I don't handle change very well... except that I do, I very carefully examine what's changing or needing to change, and how and why and when and what all the implications of this will be, wher the potential pit-falls are, what I need to look out for. And then I go ahead and do it. So you could say that I'm very good at handling change, if it weren't for how incredibly stressful I find it.
M has been supportive, reassuring, stern and not-stern as I've needed, and I'm really very grateful to him. In fact I'd even forgotten that I don't handle change very well - but he didn't, and was very willing to talk things through with me.
One of the problems with higher education, we both agreed, is the level of self-discipline required, which most people don't have. When you're in school your teachers will notice if you don't do your work, or do unexpectedly badly in a test, and will talk to you about it. So will your parents. And when you're in the world of work, the work that you do ties in with the work other people do, so again if you don't do it, or do it badly, people will notice and talk to you about it. It' only in higher education that they don't care, where it's your responsibility to get your work in on time and to a good standard, no one will chase you if you don't and it doesn't affect anyone else if you wind up with a poor grade as a result.
M has repeatedly reiterated that this is not the case for me. I am immensely grateful for this, because I find it easier to do well if I know I'm going to be held to account - I suspect that most people are, we don't want to let people down or give people reason to have a bad opinion of us - whether this is your parents, teachers, colleagues or friends. I'm also immensely grateful because I'm finding it rather thrilling - I've something of a schoolgirl kink, and this is pushing all my buttons :-)
I've drawn up a timetable of my classes, and started a list of the work required for each. These are online so that M can check them.
During the working week, if I'm not in a class I'm expected to be doing private study, usually either in the library or a computer lab. And just to help me along with that, when I'm at the computer, the only non-work-related site I'm allowed to access is my personal email.
I'll be having a weekly review with M, and if I havent managed to finish that week's work by the weekend, I'll have to spend some of our precious weekend time studying. I do know that this is probably inevitable - it's a hard course and there's a lot of work, and I'm not allowed to skimp on it just so I can say it's done. But knowing that will give me extra incentive to work later during the week, so that I don't lose out on time with him.
At Christmas, we've been told, we'll be able to do some progress tests. This is because we won't be examined on the stuff we're learning this week, until June. The progress test let us know in advance if there are any problems. The lecturers kept telling us that they're not compulsory but that they're recommended for those reasons. I already knew what M would say and sure enough when I told him, he confirmed. These are not optional for me, I will be taking them, and I will be aiming for good grades.
And if I ever skip a class, or am late to class, or haven't prepared for a class, without discussing it with M first and/or having a very good (i.e. life or death) reason? I've been reassured ther will be Consequences.
It's such a relief to know that M's with me on this, that he's not only willing to monitor me and encourage me or make me work or punish me, etc - he wants to. For which I'm incredibly grateful.
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