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Sore bum

It's been a while since I had a proper caning - by which I mean delivered because I actually deserved it. For that matter, it's been a while since I was in trouble.

I can now confirm that yes, I still hate having to stay still and quiet for a caning (thin walls...). And I still hate being in trouble. But? I still love knowing that M will hold me to account when I deserve it. And I still love the stinging, burning, throbbing, tingling lines across my bum, afterwards.

Serenity made a post recently about there being an important distinction between enjoying the knowledge that you do something, without actually enjoying doing it. It definitely applies here.

Merry Christmas

One of my unofficial Christmas presents this year has been a re-activation, if you will, of M taking a more active role in keeping me on the straight and narrow. I've had some rules over the last few months (maintaining a bedtime routine, needing separate permissions for masturbating and orgasming, being naked when we're at home without guests) but calling me to account for them hasn't gone as we planned as it turns out that I will just let it slide, and slide, and slide. I also decided to give myself a star chart for December around some household chores, more to get some sense of how often they're done, but it's acted a bit as a motivator as well.

So since the 24th I've had to finish my bedtime routine and then bend over the end of the bed and wait for him. He's now the one who decides how many stars I deserve, and he also decides whether to get an implement out or not.

Given that we've only been doing this for three days so far, it's not very promising that I've already been spanked twice, although fortunately only mildly. The first time was on the first night, a few relatively light swats with his belt I think mostly to get my attention and to reinforce that he can spank me even if I haven't been naughty. But last night I got some swats from our heavier, scarier paddle for forgetting to do my physio exercises (um, forgetting for a week, actually). Nowhere near as devastating as it can be, just hard enough make my body jerk in response and my breath huff out and my hands to grip the bedclothes harder and my brain to ask why I was so stupid as to not do the exercises.

One thing's for sure, it's a definite incentive to make sure I do them today. I do not want to give him reason to use it any harder!

(I'm writing this whilst taking a break from writing out 100 lines for him, by the way. Not punishment lines, 'just' reinforcement lines. Unfortunately my hand's still as sore as though they were punishment lines :-( And the kicker is I already did them last week but I'd remembered what he'd dictated the line to be just slightly differently from what he'd actually said and now I have to re-do them!)

However

Despite all the angst and self-pity in my last post, the reason I'm 'back' at all today is that I've been feeling more like my old self over the last couple of weeks (which doesn't entirely make sense, given that finals are next week!) - I've had something of a libido and asked M for a spanking, and have been thinking about another one, today. I've been thinking about that deep, subby headspace again, where my whole focus is on serving him, making his life easy and pleasant. Thoughts of being denied my own pleasure, having privileges taken away, once again arouse me. Case in point, I texted M 45 minutes ago asking if I could masturbate tonight (and that's telling in itself, as it isn't actually a rule at the moment), and I've yet to hear back; so now I'm considering whether to do it or not, and if I do, whether I 'ought' to stop short of any orgasms. Thoughts of being in trouble aren't sexy (so it's good that I wouldn't be, not for this!), but thoughts of him deciding I've been taking too many liberties and putting me on restriction again - that's getting me going.

Excuse me.

Guilt

I've been completely unmotivated to write anything here because, well, there hasn't really been much going on IRL. Of course when I start to unpick that assertion it falls apart a bit - there hasn't been much overt kink, although there have been a few instances, but the underlying d/s is still there, even though I'm still having trouble with it.

Back in April, exactly one year after he told me I wasn't allowed to touch my cunt with my bare fingers any more, after a year of using gloves or not being allowed to touch at all, we lay in bed together and he guided my bare fingers down to my cunt and let me touch. I came, repeatedly, and I cried, because it was so intense, because I loved him so much, because I was so grateful to be allowed to touch.

I'm hoping he'll let me again, but of course if he think I expect it, there's zero chance it'll happen.

There's been hardly any spanking, though. I haven't been wanting it, and we've both been busy and stressed and things. Except for a couple of weekends ago when we were snuggled up on the sofa and I started speculating, aloud, about various naughty things I could do. M was mostly just listening to me with an indulgent smile on his face, but when the Brat voice came out, and when I then suggested getting into his bed without permission, he got the message that I was asking for a spanking.

He spanked one side only. He spanked it hot and rosy and yummy and ignored my pouting and sulking at the beginning and I think enjoyed my sighing and moaning and pressing back against his hand later on. Then he let me up and said he'd do the other side later.

Sadly a couple of weeks later, this hasn't happened - sometimes life's a real pain!

The problem is, I seem to be regaining my libido and therefore my desire for spankings (although don't look now, because of course one of the biggest problems with overcoming mental blocks is pushing too hard!), BUT I've got finals next week, haven't seen M since last Thursday and won't for a while - well, we're going to the cinema on Friday night but I need to come home afterwards. And I've a terrible guilty conscience. About breaking my rules, about not studying enough, and soon after waking up this morning had a vivid memory of touching my cunt - a lot, exploring the folds, enjoying the feel of warm wet heat... and I've no idea if it's a dream or if I actually did it.

I'm scared of everything at the moment - understandable given that my finals are next week, but the stress of that means I've been bad about other things and I don't want to tell M because I don't want to be in trouble, but if I'm not in trouble then it could only mean everything was over.

It feels cowardly to basically tell him by letting him read it here, but I haven't the guts for anything else.

Oops

Yesterday, I said "fuck" in front of the baby.

This was made more serious by the fact that she isn't really a baby any more - I'm just lucky that she didn't immediately pick up on it and repeat it back to us.

I was driving and another car nearly drove into us in its attempt to cut us up. But even so. I said "fuck" in front of the baby.

Guess what's happening to me tonight?

Fantasy, reality

I wrote this well over a year ago. It was not posted at the time because it wasn't finished, but it seems I then completely forgot about it.

---

I wrote something for M.

He set up the cage before we went to sleep, and in the morning I found out why.

As he got up in the morning he stripped the blankets off the bed and ordered me into the cage. Fortunately he was generous to give me a pillow and blankets in there.

I dozed off while waiting.

More than an hour later he returned, rummaged around in the cupboard and brought out the cane. Carefully and deliberately placed it on the 'roof' of the cage, picked up a few things and left for the school run.

I lay there, staring up at the cane and feeling the suspense mount.

An eternity later he returned, picked up the cane, opened the cage door and ordered me back to the bed. On my front, wrists and ankles to the corners. Told me to keep them there, and stay in position.

Then I got caned. Brutally hard right from the first stroke, making me strangle a whimper in my throat and clutch at the sheets for long, long seconds as the pain flared. He was watching the clock so I knew I had half a minute to come to terms with the pain before the next stroke fell. Just as vicious and feeling like it was practically on top. Hips writhing, my hands moved an inch and the cane tapped warningly on the stripes. His warning not to break position was nearly drowned by my yelp.

In all I got six with long, long thirty second stretches in between. Simultaneously far too long and nowhere near long enough. By the end I was dry sobbing.

I heard the cane being put back down in top of the cage and then was ordered to kneel up. I didn't move fast enough, his fist in my hair hurried me along until my nose was buried in his pubic hair and my mouth was full of his cock. He started thrusting, the handful of hair still holding me steady, harder and faster until he was satisfied. Then I was pulled off and ordered back into the cage.

Nursing my smarting bum, unable to ignore my throbbing cunt, I closed my eyes and awaited his next pleasure.

I didn't tell M I was writing it - he was in the living room and asked me to join him. All he knew was that I had this drive to write so I was sitting at the computer, but he didn't know what or why. But he read it the next morning while I was still in bed, and then went out to run some errands. When he came back I was downstairs having breakfast, but was guided back upstairs again for our usual morning cuddle. We cuddled for a while, and then he got up and started setting up the cage.

I have this funny contradiction. I write things and post them to a different blog, just to share them with M, so that he can read them. Sometimes they're things that I wish we'd do together, sometimes they're impossible fantasies, sometimes they're just thoughts similar to what I might write here. But I always get ridiculously self-conscious and embarassed if he actually shows any hint of having actually read these posts. Yes, the posts that I put up just for him. So when he started setting the cage up, I burrowed deeper under the duvet and hid.

I'd tried tucking all the edges of the duvet under my body to make it harder to excavate me, but in the end he didn't have too much trouble. M grasped my ear and 'guided' me upright (ow!), then snapped his fingers and pointed at the cage. I whimpered, eyeing the cold metal floor, and reluctantly crawled in. Fortunately he threw a blanket and pillow after me, which I was very grateful for. I'm pretty sure he got a kick out of looking down at me through the bars of the top of the cage, while I gazed back at him with sad puppy eyes. My gaze got even more mournful when he gently placed the metal ruler on top of the cage.

He snapped the padlock on the latch and left the room.

After a while I realised that I really liked being in the cage. It emphasised my feelings of being owned, of being a pet. All I could do was lie there (or sit there) and wait. That was pretty much the only decision I could make, whether to sit or lie down, and how to arrange my blanket. I could feel myself getting wet as I thought about it, and curled up feeling very subby indeed.

I heard the bath running and after a while M came back in and unlocked the cage. I didn't get to come out, though - instead he came in, pretty much lying on top of me, pressing me into the floor, taking some of the weight on his arms. It's a small cage and I'd been lying curled up on my side. In order to accomodate him on top of me I had to spread my knees to the side so that he was pressed up against my crotch. My head was pushed towards the back of the cage but there wasn't really enough room so as his mouth came down on mine and claimed me, my head was jammed into the corner of the cage sides, with my neck crooked at a funny angle. His kisses were hard and demanding, not really kisses at all, more like he was just covering my mouth with his as another way of claiming me. His tongue pressed in deeply and it felt like he was taking charge even of the space inside my mouth. It was only for a few moments but I was breathless when he let me up again.

Another snap of the fingers had me obediently crawling back out of the cage and kneeling at his feet. Then I was marched into the bathroom and there was no moment to pause before being ordered "into the bath, on your hands and knees."

He washed me like that, soaping the flannel and rubbing it firmly across my shoulders and shoulderblades, down the small of my back and over my hips. A soaped finger slid between my buttocks and then pressed deep inside my anus while the left hand kept scrubbing me with the flannel and my mortified whimpers were calmly ignored. Of course they were - you don't let your pet dictate what gets washed and what doesn't.

After he decided my back and backside were good and clean, I was ordered to sit back and he started working on the rest of me. My arms were carefully raised and washed, one at a time, my armpits given a good scrub. He washed under my breasts where the sweat gathers and used firm sweeps of the cloth over my belly so that I didn't get ticklish.

Being a pet, and knowing that he wanted to reinforce this to me, I wasn't really surprised when he wrapped the flannel around one finger and used it to clean my belly button. I absolutely hate this - it's just horrible in a way that I can't describe, worse than getting soap in my ears. I think I generally just don't like things probing my orifices (hah!). But even though I knew he was going to do it and that I'd hate it, I still couldn't stop him - something in me wouldn't let me, because I was his pet, and these kinds of decisions weren't mine to make.

It was still horrible though, and I couldn't stop myself from bringing my legs up and my arms down to try and protect myself.

M told me to sit forward and, knowing what he wanted, I dropped my head forward as well. He shaved a small patch of hair at the nape of my neck. He's been doing this for quite a while, but not recently - for some reason we just haven't had baths together for the last few weesks, which is quite unusual for us. It meant that the hair was pretty long - now it's three days since I was shaved and that little patch is at the velvety stage that I love. After, he washed my hair.

M had filled the basin with water for the shaving and then for rinsing my hair, but unfortunately this wasn't as warm as the bath water (which, truth to tell, wasn't really as warm as I would've liked it, either) and then one jug full was cold.

I don't do well with cold. In fact, I burst into tears.

On one level, I knew that what I should do was tell M that the water was too cold. I should have mentioned it when I first got into the bath (when it wasn't really cold, just a bit cooler than I liked), but I couldn't. The words just couldn't come out of my mouth. I was his pet and for some reason this meant that I should be dumb like other kinds of pets are. I couldn't actually say anything, and in fact it wasn't until I was thinking about it later in the day that it occurred to me that I could actually have mentioned it to him.

3 months

When I'm stressed out and feeling like I can't cope, one of the first things to go is my libido and any interest in kink. The last three months have been quite difficult.

Term's been really stressful and there have been a few other things as well that I've had a hard time coping with, so much so that I went to the doctor and got some anti-depressants. That screwed my libido up even more and led to some really scary realisations. Such as, my whole d/s minset is apparently built upon my libido. My libido went and with it went my sense of my place in life, my place in my relationship with M. All of a sudden I didn't understand why I had rules or why I had agreed to follow them. I even found myself wondering who the hell M was, to have the free access to my body that we'd both agreed that he did. It was my body.

That brought me up short. I've spent the last several years spontaneously, naturally (as in, without too much conscious effort or intention) growing closer and closer towards the place where all of me, everything that I am, is M's. Owned by him, taken care of by him, under his stewardship if you will. I'm not his slave because we both feel that the term 'pet' is more accurate. A pet is a responsibility that you take on because you want to and you enjoy looking after them. You own them, you make decisions for them, you train them, play with them, and so on. I like being M's pet and some of the moments of the most profound peace and contentment in my life have been found in his arms or at his feet, knowing, deeply and truly, that I'm his. How could I suddenly be so very, very removed from that? How could I be wishing that our touches remained sexually neutral, and not intimate? How could I resent his rules and feel that there was something wrong with having them?

Just to be very clear, this was not the same as that general sort of grumbling where you think the rule's a pain but you know it's good for you so you suck it up and follow it. I've done that occasionally and in fact there have been (rare) instances where M's received texts or emails from me saying that I was too grumpy to follow such-and-such a rule (usually my junk food limits or my sensible bedtime) and that I was just going to go ahead and break it. Unsurprisingly I get into trouble for this, although not necessarily for breaking the rule itself. More because these times are when I'm very unhappy and needing extra TLC and if I'd instead contacted M to say that this rule wasn't working for me at the moment, or that I needed a break, he'd usually be willing to bend them a bit, and often also tell me to do something else as well which would help me feel better. So I'd be more in trouble for shutting him out and compounding my problems, rather than just for breaking my rules.

But what I felt for several weeks in February and March was a lot more fundamental than that. I knew that I was M's pet, I knew that I'd asked for it, that I regularly asked for affirmation of my status, and that I loved my status. Except all of a sudden, practically overnight, I didn't love it any more. It felt uncomfortable and... wrong. And then of course I was engulfed in guilt and confusion. I felt like I'd betrayed M, betrayed our relationship. Was the whole thing a lie? Was I just feeling this rejection (on my part) now because things were tough and I was chafing against my rules? How on earth could I explain any of this to him if I didn't understand it myself?

We spent a couple of months with me guiltily hoping that he wouldn't want to have sex, or really be interested in anything more than cuddling in bed. Resenting him punishing me even when I knew I fully deserved it, and even though he was actually pretty lenient, and feeling guilty about that too. And just generally feeling pretty confused, upset, scared and like one of my foundations had suddenly turned to sand and been washed away by the tide. It affected other areas too - I haven't read any of the blogs on my links list for weeks, read/watched any porn, nor masturbated. I even had instructions to masturbate, towards the beginning of this period, and I just couldn't. Which was also pretty upsetting.

To cut a long story short, we worked through it. Mostly it involved M being incredibly patient while I over-reacted. Interestingly, even in the worst moments when I felt that what we'd had was gone forever and I could never get it back, I still did not touch my cunt with my bare fingers. This is my most fundamental and important rule, in fact it's been nearly a year now since I had free access to myself. Interesting. Although the English language means the term 'myself' is appropriate, it really belongs to M.

In just the same way that the sense of belonging, of being owned, disappeared practically overnight, so it re-appeared again practically overnight. I don't even really understand what happened - all I know is that one evening M decided to play with me and all of a sudden I found it exciting again. Desirable and desirous. My libido had apparently returned with a vengence, and the next day suddenly there were a lot of words in my head that I needed to write down for him. But that's another entry.

School

There hasn't been much talk here recently about school, so I suppose I should say something. It's going okay - I'm enjoying the subjects a lot more this term as they're all my choices with no more compulsory ones. I've got some of my grades back for the mini tests I took before Christmas. None of them count towards our degrees, they're just to help us check how much we have understood the compulsory material. In statistics I got 6/11 - rather annoyed about this as you may recall that I got 8/10 in the mini test five weeks before. Interestingly at the start of this term they put the results online with explanations next to each one you got wrong, and I saw I'd got the first six right and the last five wrong. I think my brain gave out...

I also got my mark back for another course (I can't tell you what without worrying that I'd compromise my anonymity, it's a relatively unusual degree and a relatively unusual course and there weren't that many of us taking it), but all I know is that I got a B - I don't know how many of the 25 questions I got right or which ones I got wrong - I'm a bit annoyed about this, actually, although the grade itself is okay.

I've another test waiting for me to remember to collect it from the office, and have yet to hear about another test or the essay I wrote.

For those of you who might be interested, M and I agreed that anything under 50% or a C grade would necessitate a discussion - not necessarily a punishment because it would depend on the circumstances, but I would need to explain what had happened and what steps I would be taking to improve.

To be honest I haven't really been spanked all that much recently. I got a strapping last Tuesday for losing my temper and acting on it - I felt completely horrible, I do have a temper and it does get the better of me, but not usually to the point where I do something foolish. I felt so ashamed already, and then M said, in his 'disappointed' tone of voice that it wasn't really the kind of behaviour he wanted people to see from his girl, and I just wanted to curl up and die.

But apart from that, and a token spanking on Saturday night (one minute late to bed last week plus forgot to wash my face before going to bed one night), I can't actually remember the last time I was spanked. But I hasten to add that this is because my mind is so taken up with my new classes and so forth that everything else is slipping, and not because it was actually that long ago!

Fantasy

Sometimes I fantasise about Master emphasising his ownership of me more overtly. I'm not talking about an ownership ceremony or something; one does not throw a party after taking a stray pet in off the streets. No, it is much more matter-of-fact than that. I already have rules setting boundaries on my daily life; they remind me that I am not free, but they do not affect my interactions with others. But what if Master invited some friends round, and told me to take their coats and offer them drinks when they arrived? My behaviour would be very similar to that of many hosts and hostesses. The guests might arrive in rapid succession so I might still be in the middle of making teas and coffees for the first set when I must leave off to collect the coats and drink requests from the second set. I would of course try very hard to get them all right but this can be difficult when all the orders are similar and yet still different - milk or no milk, sugar or no sugar, decaf or regular.

I would of course offer sincere apologies to the guest who received something other than what they had asked for, and immediately make them a fresh drink, but in my fantasy this would not be sufficient. My behaviour, my successes and failures, no matter how large or small, reflect on my Master. I imagine being sent to the corner, left empty especially for occasions such as this. Standing with my hands on my head and back to the room, I flush with embarrassment and shame at my lapse - and yet am grateful that he cares enough to correct me immediately, and that he can do so without disrupting our guests' visit. We know that most of our friends are kinky, but not everyone wants their plans for a visit interrupted by the unpleasantness of witnessing an errant pet being chastised - this way Master can preserve our guests' comfort levels while emphasising to me that I need to take better care. Standing in the corner while everything else went on as normal, temporarily excluded due to my own lack of care and attention, I would feel very chastened.

I am only released in order to fetch the snacks I had prepared earlier, and am careful to offer them with due care and attention. Master might snap his fingers and point to the coffee table, then to a spot by his feet. Like an obedient pet, I would put the tray on the table and move to kneel at his feet. I imagine Master's fingers carding through my hair while he continues his conversation with two friends. I know my eyes would drift shut as I felt the bliss of our reconnection, know that I was forgiven and loved, that he was pleased with me.

Later I might be released from such restrictive service - not for my benefit, you understand, but for our guests who are my friends as well and so might be disappointed not to be able to chat with me at all. Master would be careful to ensure that our dynamic fit as smoothly as possible into the on-going social interactions, but I may still have to utter a hasty "excuse me please" to a friend and respond to his summons at least once in the course of an afternoon and evening.

Mostly, my fantasy stops here. This isn't about hot sex or hot punishment scenes, although I do fantasise about those as well. This fantasy is about my status as Master's pet being casually, incidentally mixed into our more 'normal' social interactions; not disrupting the flow of things, not taking centre stage, just being one of the myriad dynamics that ebb and flow when a group of people interact with each other.

Of course, the fantasy doesn't always stop there. The greatest display of Master's ownership of me, and of my obedience to him, might occur if these smaller, more incidental interactions led to questions. Why do you get to boss her about? A friend might ask. How is it that she jumps to fulfil your slightest whim? How far does your control go? How much power do you have over her?

There are many ways we might answer these, but the easiest might be a demonstration. If so, there are many things that Master might choose to do, all of which make me shiver with a heady mix of embarrassment, lust and adoration.

What if Master decided to show them the marks from my last whipping? Being partially exposed for that would possibly be worse than being entirely naked. And I would strive to keep my equilibrium while having to participate in the conversations - why I'd been punished, what I'd got, how many, how hard. What if the conversation led to other aspects of his control - such as over my cunt, my orgasms, my pleasure? I can imagine his fingers calmly spreading my labia apart, increasing my exposure, demonstrating my arousal - while I stood quietly with my hands clasped behind me, legs spread wide and hips thrust forward to offer him the best access. It is, after all, what an obedient pet would do, and my embarrassment would be immaterial, beyond his enjoyment of it.

What if they asked to touch me? I can not imagine whether he'd say yes or no. At this point no bare hand has touched my bare cunt for over nine months, except his. If he refused, kept me for himself, it would emphasise his ownership of me, that I am his possession - but so would giving them access, because either way the decision is about my body but out of my control.

This, then, is the essence of my fantasy, and is also my reality - decisions about my body, about whether my actions are acceptable or not, about the course of my life, are made by my Master. Gradually, as we continue this, I am increasingly *wanting* the things he has decided, whatever they may be. This suggests that my mind, while not under his direct control, is also receptive to his will and eager to submit to it, to bend, to be moulded into an attitude that pleases him. As is my heart, which yearns for him more and more every time we are apart.

My submission continues. His ownership continues. I surrender to his authority, and revel in my captivity.