When I'm stressed out and feeling like I can't cope, one of the first things to go is my libido and any interest in kink. The last three months have been quite difficult.
Term's been really stressful and there have been a few other things as well that I've had a hard time coping with, so much so that I went to the doctor and got some anti-depressants. That screwed my libido up even more and led to some really scary realisations. Such as, my whole d/s minset is apparently built upon my libido. My libido went and with it went my sense of my place in life, my place in my relationship with M. All of a sudden I didn't understand why I had rules or why I had agreed to follow them. I even found myself wondering who the hell M was, to have the free access to my body that we'd both agreed that he did. It was my body.
That brought me up short. I've spent the last several years spontaneously, naturally (as in, without too much conscious effort or intention) growing closer and closer towards the place where all of me, everything that I am, is M's. Owned by him, taken care of by him, under his stewardship if you will. I'm not his slave because we both feel that the term 'pet' is more accurate. A pet is a responsibility that you take on because you want to and you enjoy looking after them. You own them, you make decisions for them, you train them, play with them, and so on. I like being M's pet and some of the moments of the most profound peace and contentment in my life have been found in his arms or at his feet, knowing, deeply and truly, that I'm his. How could I suddenly be so very, very removed from that? How could I be wishing that our touches remained sexually neutral, and not intimate? How could I resent his rules and feel that there was something wrong with having them?
Just to be very clear, this was not the same as that general sort of grumbling where you think the rule's a pain but you know it's good for you so you suck it up and follow it. I've done that occasionally and in fact there have been (rare) instances where M's received texts or emails from me saying that I was too grumpy to follow such-and-such a rule (usually my junk food limits or my sensible bedtime) and that I was just going to go ahead and break it. Unsurprisingly I get into trouble for this, although not necessarily for breaking the rule itself. More because these times are when I'm very unhappy and needing extra TLC and if I'd instead contacted M to say that this rule wasn't working for me at the moment, or that I needed a break, he'd usually be willing to bend them a bit, and often also tell me to do something else as well which would help me feel better. So I'd be more in trouble for shutting him out and compounding my problems, rather than just for breaking my rules.
But what I felt for several weeks in February and March was a lot more fundamental than that. I knew that I was M's pet, I knew that I'd asked for it, that I regularly asked for affirmation of my status, and that I loved my status. Except all of a sudden, practically overnight, I didn't love it any more. It felt uncomfortable and... wrong. And then of course I was engulfed in guilt and confusion. I felt like I'd betrayed M, betrayed our relationship. Was the whole thing a lie? Was I just feeling this rejection (on my part) now because things were tough and I was chafing against my rules? How on earth could I explain any of this to him if I didn't understand it myself?
We spent a couple of months with me guiltily hoping that he wouldn't want to have sex, or really be interested in anything more than cuddling in bed. Resenting him punishing me even when I knew I fully deserved it, and even though he was actually pretty lenient, and feeling guilty about that too. And just generally feeling pretty confused, upset, scared and like one of my foundations had suddenly turned to sand and been washed away by the tide. It affected other areas too - I haven't read any of the blogs on my links list for weeks, read/watched any porn, nor masturbated. I even had instructions to masturbate, towards the beginning of this period, and I just couldn't. Which was also pretty upsetting.
To cut a long story short, we worked through it. Mostly it involved M being incredibly patient while I over-reacted. Interestingly, even in the worst moments when I felt that what we'd had was gone forever and I could never get it back, I still did not touch my cunt with my bare fingers. This is my most fundamental and important rule, in fact it's been nearly a year now since I had free access to myself. Interesting. Although the English language means the term 'myself' is appropriate, it really belongs to M.
In just the same way that the sense of belonging, of being owned, disappeared practically overnight, so it re-appeared again practically overnight. I don't even really understand what happened - all I know is that one evening M decided to play with me and all of a sudden I found it exciting again. Desirable and desirous. My libido had apparently returned with a vengence, and the next day suddenly there were a lot of words in my head that I needed to write down for him. But that's another entry.
Showing posts with label rules. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rules. Show all posts
Friday, 4 April 2008
Monday, 7 January 2008
Orgasms
Almost as soon as I'd shut down my computer last night, I wanted to make another post. This time about orgasms.
Not long after we got together, I started talking to M about my desire for him to have control over my orgasms. It's very exciting to think that he would be the one to decide when, where and how I might be permitted to come.
In 2006 we started experimenting with this, and in April 2007 M told me that I was not permitted to touch my cunt directly with my bare fingers. That it was his, that he would decide who got to touch it and when and how, and that it was off limits to me. If I wanted to masturbate I would use gloves. Unlike previous rules M decided that this rule would not be for a finite period, but would be for the foreseeable future, and we would see how well I managed with it. Well, it's still going - I've become pretty adept at masturbating with a glove on and within three months had managed to work my way back up to the multiple orgasms I used to enjoy.
In the latter half of last year I started talking again about M controlling my orgasms - not just how I might have them, but when they might be permitted and how many. I'm pretty greedy and can happily keep going for hours. But if my body belongs to M (and it does) and my pleasure is supposed to be at his discretion (and it is) then what was I doing still having orgasms whenever I wanted and as many as I wanted?
There were a few weeks then where M would instruct me to masturbate, for example, on three separate nights but that I was only allowed two orgasms (whether I had them on the same night or different ones was up to me). Or another time I had to masturbate on three different nights, and I was required to have exactly one orgasm each time.
We discovered a rather fun side effect of this, which is that it leaves me just unsatisfied enough, just needy enough, to make me more responsive to M. To send him horny text messages all week and then shamelessly beg for his attentions when we next meet.
So, M's instituted a rule for January. I am only allowed one orgasm per 24 hour period. And within that, this week, I am required to masturbate every night.
Last night I managed to be 4 minutes late for bed (too busy getting the previous post edited...) and then by the time I'd actually got settled and turned out the light I realised it was only 3 minutes to midnight. I would either have to come before those 3 minutes were up, or I'd be having a Monday orgasm instead of a Sunday orgasm. I decided to save the orgasm for tonight and was a good girl, masturbating to the edge of orgasm and then stopping. I am very glad that I've taken to wearing pyjamas in bed though, as the extra layer to prevent 'accidents' is needed more than ever...
Not long after we got together, I started talking to M about my desire for him to have control over my orgasms. It's very exciting to think that he would be the one to decide when, where and how I might be permitted to come.
In 2006 we started experimenting with this, and in April 2007 M told me that I was not permitted to touch my cunt directly with my bare fingers. That it was his, that he would decide who got to touch it and when and how, and that it was off limits to me. If I wanted to masturbate I would use gloves. Unlike previous rules M decided that this rule would not be for a finite period, but would be for the foreseeable future, and we would see how well I managed with it. Well, it's still going - I've become pretty adept at masturbating with a glove on and within three months had managed to work my way back up to the multiple orgasms I used to enjoy.
In the latter half of last year I started talking again about M controlling my orgasms - not just how I might have them, but when they might be permitted and how many. I'm pretty greedy and can happily keep going for hours. But if my body belongs to M (and it does) and my pleasure is supposed to be at his discretion (and it is) then what was I doing still having orgasms whenever I wanted and as many as I wanted?
There were a few weeks then where M would instruct me to masturbate, for example, on three separate nights but that I was only allowed two orgasms (whether I had them on the same night or different ones was up to me). Or another time I had to masturbate on three different nights, and I was required to have exactly one orgasm each time.
We discovered a rather fun side effect of this, which is that it leaves me just unsatisfied enough, just needy enough, to make me more responsive to M. To send him horny text messages all week and then shamelessly beg for his attentions when we next meet.
So, M's instituted a rule for January. I am only allowed one orgasm per 24 hour period. And within that, this week, I am required to masturbate every night.
Last night I managed to be 4 minutes late for bed (too busy getting the previous post edited...) and then by the time I'd actually got settled and turned out the light I realised it was only 3 minutes to midnight. I would either have to come before those 3 minutes were up, or I'd be having a Monday orgasm instead of a Sunday orgasm. I decided to save the orgasm for tonight and was a good girl, masturbating to the edge of orgasm and then stopping. I am very glad that I've taken to wearing pyjamas in bed though, as the extra layer to prevent 'accidents' is needed more than ever...
Monday, 24 December 2007
Rules
I haven't been able to sleep tonight and have instead spent quite a lot of time thinking about my rules.
I have what feels like quite a lot of rules. M and I have sort of played around with them for a while now (the first rules he ever gave me were for specific situations, such as when we were in fetish clubs together, several years ago) but when my course started in September and he decided that he wanted to be more directly involved in my life and studies than a partner might normally, one of the ways he did so was to set me rules.
The rules that rarely change are as follows:
1. I am to be respectful, helpful and friendly towards staff and students on my course, always. This makes me realise that I don't actually have a rule saying I have to be respectful and so forth towards my friends, or shop assistants, or even M himself, but I suspect this might be something of an unspoken rule.
2. Between Monday and Friday I am permitted a maximum of six 'junk' foods or drinks each - chocolate, fast food, etc. The main reason for this is that I could do with paying more attention to my food choices, particularly when I get hungry in the middle of the school day. I don't use them all as that would mean twelve junk somethings in five days! But having the rule has made me think a lot more about fruit, yoghurt or seeds and nuts as snacks, and in fact not snacking at all but having a proper meal. Which has helped with my energy levels.
3. Between 9am and 8pm on school days the only 'personal' internet time I'm allowed is 45 minutes in my lunch break. Now that it's the holidays but I stil have assignments and revision to do, I'm permitted two hours at a time but then have to do at least 30 minutes of work before I can go online again. I do think this is quite generous, unfortunately there were still some days this week when I did no work at all... Oops...
4. M makes minor adjustments to my bedtime most weeks, I think mostly to keep me on my toes... this last week it's been half-past midnight, as my term's finished. It was always before midnight during term. I'm afraid this is probably the rule that I break the most often.
5. I am to be on time for all lectures, seminars, meetings, etc. I am to text him immediately if I am late. Skipping a session, or not going into school, is absolutely forbidden without his express permission. I've had a few near misses with this rule, where technically I was late to a lecture or something but the lecturer hadn't actually started yet and so M late me off. I have been late to a few though, including a memorable one where I missed 15 minutes of an hour long lecture. Ow.
6. I am to inform M of all school assignments, when they're due in and how long I think they will take. They are all to be completed early (no more all-nighters for me!) and a copy emailed to him before I hand them in. I find this incredibly difficult and embarrassing, I don't quite know why. But it also helps because the thought of him reading it definitely gives me a big extra incentive to work hard. Which is also embarrassing - surely I should be working hard enough just for myself?
7. New rule added for reasons that will become apparent in my next entry to this blog: I am to write in my diary when all assignments/assessments are given/made available, and when they're due (You can see what happened there, can't you? *blush*).
8. I am not permitted to touch my cunt with my bare fingers, ever, ever, ever. In fact this rule's now been in place for more than eight months and I'm very proud of the fact that I've never deliberately broken it. I do occasionally break it by accident, over the last few months I was averaging once a fortnight but this is now my fourth week without slipping. I'm torn between feeling proud I've managed for so long, and reminding myself that it's inevitable I'll break it again at some point...
Transient Rules that are Currently In Effect:
1. This week I was instructed to masturbate, with a butt plug in for at least 15 minutes, and then have one orgasm, on three separate occasions. I love this rule because it was a potent reminder that he has control over this part of me, of my life, without just forbidding orgasms - which would be a lot less fun as I often don't see him all week. I spent a lot of the 15 minutes thinking about how it didn't matter whether I wanted an orgasm or not (or more than one, which is usually the case - just one is sort of like an appetiser), I'd been instructed to and that was the end of it. Which was a seriously hot thought. I'm hoping we'll keep variations of this rule for a while.
2. I am not allowed to swear. I'm not really sure how seriously M takes this one, it sort of feels a bit like he imposed it for the week because so many of my usual rules are about my school day, and therefore don't currently apply. Except I've sworn three and a half times since Tuesday, so I suppose I'll find out soon how seriously he takes it...
3. Mince pies do not count as junk food :-)
So, yes, it feels like quite a lot of rules. However they're all helpful rules that, when kept, help me to feel good about myself, to do better work or be more organised, or to remember that I'm supposed to be his good girl.
The more permanent rules listed at the top have been in place since September, with a bit of tweaking at the beginning, and feel like they've been pretty well integrated into my life now. I like having them, when M and I meet on Friday evening I love being able to say that, for example, I've only had four junk foods and one junk drink during the week, or that I've been on time for all my classes.
I'm now wondering whether M would be willing to expand the rules to cover some other aspects of my life that I have difficulty with. There are two main ones that I'm thinking of, one being how much money I spend during the week and the other on getting errands and chores done around my school work (for example it took me more than a month to tell the bank my new address after I moved house, even though all it needs is a phone call and I looked up the number on the internet in the first week). Somehow the thought of letting him have authority over these parts of my life is more daunting than what we're currently doing.
I have what feels like quite a lot of rules. M and I have sort of played around with them for a while now (the first rules he ever gave me were for specific situations, such as when we were in fetish clubs together, several years ago) but when my course started in September and he decided that he wanted to be more directly involved in my life and studies than a partner might normally, one of the ways he did so was to set me rules.
The rules that rarely change are as follows:
1. I am to be respectful, helpful and friendly towards staff and students on my course, always. This makes me realise that I don't actually have a rule saying I have to be respectful and so forth towards my friends, or shop assistants, or even M himself, but I suspect this might be something of an unspoken rule.
2. Between Monday and Friday I am permitted a maximum of six 'junk' foods or drinks each - chocolate, fast food, etc. The main reason for this is that I could do with paying more attention to my food choices, particularly when I get hungry in the middle of the school day. I don't use them all as that would mean twelve junk somethings in five days! But having the rule has made me think a lot more about fruit, yoghurt or seeds and nuts as snacks, and in fact not snacking at all but having a proper meal. Which has helped with my energy levels.
3. Between 9am and 8pm on school days the only 'personal' internet time I'm allowed is 45 minutes in my lunch break. Now that it's the holidays but I stil have assignments and revision to do, I'm permitted two hours at a time but then have to do at least 30 minutes of work before I can go online again. I do think this is quite generous, unfortunately there were still some days this week when I did no work at all... Oops...
4. M makes minor adjustments to my bedtime most weeks, I think mostly to keep me on my toes... this last week it's been half-past midnight, as my term's finished. It was always before midnight during term. I'm afraid this is probably the rule that I break the most often.
5. I am to be on time for all lectures, seminars, meetings, etc. I am to text him immediately if I am late. Skipping a session, or not going into school, is absolutely forbidden without his express permission. I've had a few near misses with this rule, where technically I was late to a lecture or something but the lecturer hadn't actually started yet and so M late me off. I have been late to a few though, including a memorable one where I missed 15 minutes of an hour long lecture. Ow.
6. I am to inform M of all school assignments, when they're due in and how long I think they will take. They are all to be completed early (no more all-nighters for me!) and a copy emailed to him before I hand them in. I find this incredibly difficult and embarrassing, I don't quite know why. But it also helps because the thought of him reading it definitely gives me a big extra incentive to work hard. Which is also embarrassing - surely I should be working hard enough just for myself?
7. New rule added for reasons that will become apparent in my next entry to this blog: I am to write in my diary when all assignments/assessments are given/made available, and when they're due (You can see what happened there, can't you? *blush*).
8. I am not permitted to touch my cunt with my bare fingers, ever, ever, ever. In fact this rule's now been in place for more than eight months and I'm very proud of the fact that I've never deliberately broken it. I do occasionally break it by accident, over the last few months I was averaging once a fortnight but this is now my fourth week without slipping. I'm torn between feeling proud I've managed for so long, and reminding myself that it's inevitable I'll break it again at some point...
Transient Rules that are Currently In Effect:
1. This week I was instructed to masturbate, with a butt plug in for at least 15 minutes, and then have one orgasm, on three separate occasions. I love this rule because it was a potent reminder that he has control over this part of me, of my life, without just forbidding orgasms - which would be a lot less fun as I often don't see him all week. I spent a lot of the 15 minutes thinking about how it didn't matter whether I wanted an orgasm or not (or more than one, which is usually the case - just one is sort of like an appetiser), I'd been instructed to and that was the end of it. Which was a seriously hot thought. I'm hoping we'll keep variations of this rule for a while.
2. I am not allowed to swear. I'm not really sure how seriously M takes this one, it sort of feels a bit like he imposed it for the week because so many of my usual rules are about my school day, and therefore don't currently apply. Except I've sworn three and a half times since Tuesday, so I suppose I'll find out soon how seriously he takes it...
3. Mince pies do not count as junk food :-)
So, yes, it feels like quite a lot of rules. However they're all helpful rules that, when kept, help me to feel good about myself, to do better work or be more organised, or to remember that I'm supposed to be his good girl.
The more permanent rules listed at the top have been in place since September, with a bit of tweaking at the beginning, and feel like they've been pretty well integrated into my life now. I like having them, when M and I meet on Friday evening I love being able to say that, for example, I've only had four junk foods and one junk drink during the week, or that I've been on time for all my classes.
I'm now wondering whether M would be willing to expand the rules to cover some other aspects of my life that I have difficulty with. There are two main ones that I'm thinking of, one being how much money I spend during the week and the other on getting errands and chores done around my school work (for example it took me more than a month to tell the bank my new address after I moved house, even though all it needs is a phone call and I looked up the number on the internet in the first week). Somehow the thought of letting him have authority over these parts of my life is more daunting than what we're currently doing.
Saturday, 6 October 2007
First week
Well, I made it through the first week. Technically it's the second week but the first-first week was orientation and this week was actual lectures and seminars, so it feels like I've just finished the first week.
I'm wiped.
On Thursday night I clung to M and bawled my eyes out - I don't handle change very well... except that I do, I very carefully examine what's changing or needing to change, and how and why and when and what all the implications of this will be, wher the potential pit-falls are, what I need to look out for. And then I go ahead and do it. So you could say that I'm very good at handling change, if it weren't for how incredibly stressful I find it.
M has been supportive, reassuring, stern and not-stern as I've needed, and I'm really very grateful to him. In fact I'd even forgotten that I don't handle change very well - but he didn't, and was very willing to talk things through with me.
One of the problems with higher education, we both agreed, is the level of self-discipline required, which most people don't have. When you're in school your teachers will notice if you don't do your work, or do unexpectedly badly in a test, and will talk to you about it. So will your parents. And when you're in the world of work, the work that you do ties in with the work other people do, so again if you don't do it, or do it badly, people will notice and talk to you about it. It' only in higher education that they don't care, where it's your responsibility to get your work in on time and to a good standard, no one will chase you if you don't and it doesn't affect anyone else if you wind up with a poor grade as a result.
M has repeatedly reiterated that this is not the case for me. I am immensely grateful for this, because I find it easier to do well if I know I'm going to be held to account - I suspect that most people are, we don't want to let people down or give people reason to have a bad opinion of us - whether this is your parents, teachers, colleagues or friends. I'm also immensely grateful because I'm finding it rather thrilling - I've something of a schoolgirl kink, and this is pushing all my buttons :-)
I've drawn up a timetable of my classes, and started a list of the work required for each. These are online so that M can check them.
During the working week, if I'm not in a class I'm expected to be doing private study, usually either in the library or a computer lab. And just to help me along with that, when I'm at the computer, the only non-work-related site I'm allowed to access is my personal email.
I'll be having a weekly review with M, and if I havent managed to finish that week's work by the weekend, I'll have to spend some of our precious weekend time studying. I do know that this is probably inevitable - it's a hard course and there's a lot of work, and I'm not allowed to skimp on it just so I can say it's done. But knowing that will give me extra incentive to work later during the week, so that I don't lose out on time with him.
At Christmas, we've been told, we'll be able to do some progress tests. This is because we won't be examined on the stuff we're learning this week, until June. The progress test let us know in advance if there are any problems. The lecturers kept telling us that they're not compulsory but that they're recommended for those reasons. I already knew what M would say and sure enough when I told him, he confirmed. These are not optional for me, I will be taking them, and I will be aiming for good grades.
And if I ever skip a class, or am late to class, or haven't prepared for a class, without discussing it with M first and/or having a very good (i.e. life or death) reason? I've been reassured ther will be Consequences.
It's such a relief to know that M's with me on this, that he's not only willing to monitor me and encourage me or make me work or punish me, etc - he wants to. For which I'm incredibly grateful.
I'm wiped.
On Thursday night I clung to M and bawled my eyes out - I don't handle change very well... except that I do, I very carefully examine what's changing or needing to change, and how and why and when and what all the implications of this will be, wher the potential pit-falls are, what I need to look out for. And then I go ahead and do it. So you could say that I'm very good at handling change, if it weren't for how incredibly stressful I find it.
M has been supportive, reassuring, stern and not-stern as I've needed, and I'm really very grateful to him. In fact I'd even forgotten that I don't handle change very well - but he didn't, and was very willing to talk things through with me.
One of the problems with higher education, we both agreed, is the level of self-discipline required, which most people don't have. When you're in school your teachers will notice if you don't do your work, or do unexpectedly badly in a test, and will talk to you about it. So will your parents. And when you're in the world of work, the work that you do ties in with the work other people do, so again if you don't do it, or do it badly, people will notice and talk to you about it. It' only in higher education that they don't care, where it's your responsibility to get your work in on time and to a good standard, no one will chase you if you don't and it doesn't affect anyone else if you wind up with a poor grade as a result.
M has repeatedly reiterated that this is not the case for me. I am immensely grateful for this, because I find it easier to do well if I know I'm going to be held to account - I suspect that most people are, we don't want to let people down or give people reason to have a bad opinion of us - whether this is your parents, teachers, colleagues or friends. I'm also immensely grateful because I'm finding it rather thrilling - I've something of a schoolgirl kink, and this is pushing all my buttons :-)
I've drawn up a timetable of my classes, and started a list of the work required for each. These are online so that M can check them.
During the working week, if I'm not in a class I'm expected to be doing private study, usually either in the library or a computer lab. And just to help me along with that, when I'm at the computer, the only non-work-related site I'm allowed to access is my personal email.
I'll be having a weekly review with M, and if I havent managed to finish that week's work by the weekend, I'll have to spend some of our precious weekend time studying. I do know that this is probably inevitable - it's a hard course and there's a lot of work, and I'm not allowed to skimp on it just so I can say it's done. But knowing that will give me extra incentive to work later during the week, so that I don't lose out on time with him.
At Christmas, we've been told, we'll be able to do some progress tests. This is because we won't be examined on the stuff we're learning this week, until June. The progress test let us know in advance if there are any problems. The lecturers kept telling us that they're not compulsory but that they're recommended for those reasons. I already knew what M would say and sure enough when I told him, he confirmed. These are not optional for me, I will be taking them, and I will be aiming for good grades.
And if I ever skip a class, or am late to class, or haven't prepared for a class, without discussing it with M first and/or having a very good (i.e. life or death) reason? I've been reassured ther will be Consequences.
It's such a relief to know that M's with me on this, that he's not only willing to monitor me and encourage me or make me work or punish me, etc - he wants to. For which I'm incredibly grateful.
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