3 months

When I'm stressed out and feeling like I can't cope, one of the first things to go is my libido and any interest in kink. The last three months have been quite difficult.

Term's been really stressful and there have been a few other things as well that I've had a hard time coping with, so much so that I went to the doctor and got some anti-depressants. That screwed my libido up even more and led to some really scary realisations. Such as, my whole d/s minset is apparently built upon my libido. My libido went and with it went my sense of my place in life, my place in my relationship with M. All of a sudden I didn't understand why I had rules or why I had agreed to follow them. I even found myself wondering who the hell M was, to have the free access to my body that we'd both agreed that he did. It was my body.

That brought me up short. I've spent the last several years spontaneously, naturally (as in, without too much conscious effort or intention) growing closer and closer towards the place where all of me, everything that I am, is M's. Owned by him, taken care of by him, under his stewardship if you will. I'm not his slave because we both feel that the term 'pet' is more accurate. A pet is a responsibility that you take on because you want to and you enjoy looking after them. You own them, you make decisions for them, you train them, play with them, and so on. I like being M's pet and some of the moments of the most profound peace and contentment in my life have been found in his arms or at his feet, knowing, deeply and truly, that I'm his. How could I suddenly be so very, very removed from that? How could I be wishing that our touches remained sexually neutral, and not intimate? How could I resent his rules and feel that there was something wrong with having them?

Just to be very clear, this was not the same as that general sort of grumbling where you think the rule's a pain but you know it's good for you so you suck it up and follow it. I've done that occasionally and in fact there have been (rare) instances where M's received texts or emails from me saying that I was too grumpy to follow such-and-such a rule (usually my junk food limits or my sensible bedtime) and that I was just going to go ahead and break it. Unsurprisingly I get into trouble for this, although not necessarily for breaking the rule itself. More because these times are when I'm very unhappy and needing extra TLC and if I'd instead contacted M to say that this rule wasn't working for me at the moment, or that I needed a break, he'd usually be willing to bend them a bit, and often also tell me to do something else as well which would help me feel better. So I'd be more in trouble for shutting him out and compounding my problems, rather than just for breaking my rules.

But what I felt for several weeks in February and March was a lot more fundamental than that. I knew that I was M's pet, I knew that I'd asked for it, that I regularly asked for affirmation of my status, and that I loved my status. Except all of a sudden, practically overnight, I didn't love it any more. It felt uncomfortable and... wrong. And then of course I was engulfed in guilt and confusion. I felt like I'd betrayed M, betrayed our relationship. Was the whole thing a lie? Was I just feeling this rejection (on my part) now because things were tough and I was chafing against my rules? How on earth could I explain any of this to him if I didn't understand it myself?

We spent a couple of months with me guiltily hoping that he wouldn't want to have sex, or really be interested in anything more than cuddling in bed. Resenting him punishing me even when I knew I fully deserved it, and even though he was actually pretty lenient, and feeling guilty about that too. And just generally feeling pretty confused, upset, scared and like one of my foundations had suddenly turned to sand and been washed away by the tide. It affected other areas too - I haven't read any of the blogs on my links list for weeks, read/watched any porn, nor masturbated. I even had instructions to masturbate, towards the beginning of this period, and I just couldn't. Which was also pretty upsetting.

To cut a long story short, we worked through it. Mostly it involved M being incredibly patient while I over-reacted. Interestingly, even in the worst moments when I felt that what we'd had was gone forever and I could never get it back, I still did not touch my cunt with my bare fingers. This is my most fundamental and important rule, in fact it's been nearly a year now since I had free access to myself. Interesting. Although the English language means the term 'myself' is appropriate, it really belongs to M.

In just the same way that the sense of belonging, of being owned, disappeared practically overnight, so it re-appeared again practically overnight. I don't even really understand what happened - all I know is that one evening M decided to play with me and all of a sudden I found it exciting again. Desirable and desirous. My libido had apparently returned with a vengence, and the next day suddenly there were a lot of words in my head that I needed to write down for him. But that's another entry.