There hasn't been much talk here recently about school, so I suppose I should say something. It's going okay - I'm enjoying the subjects a lot more this term as they're all my choices with no more compulsory ones. I've got some of my grades back for the mini tests I took before Christmas. None of them count towards our degrees, they're just to help us check how much we have understood the compulsory material. In statistics I got 6/11 - rather annoyed about this as you may recall that I got 8/10 in the mini test five weeks before. Interestingly at the start of this term they put the results online with explanations next to each one you got wrong, and I saw I'd got the first six right and the last five wrong. I think my brain gave out...
I also got my mark back for another course (I can't tell you what without worrying that I'd compromise my anonymity, it's a relatively unusual degree and a relatively unusual course and there weren't that many of us taking it), but all I know is that I got a B - I don't know how many of the 25 questions I got right or which ones I got wrong - I'm a bit annoyed about this, actually, although the grade itself is okay.
I've another test waiting for me to remember to collect it from the office, and have yet to hear about another test or the essay I wrote.
For those of you who might be interested, M and I agreed that anything under 50% or a C grade would necessitate a discussion - not necessarily a punishment because it would depend on the circumstances, but I would need to explain what had happened and what steps I would be taking to improve.
To be honest I haven't really been spanked all that much recently. I got a strapping last Tuesday for losing my temper and acting on it - I felt completely horrible, I do have a temper and it does get the better of me, but not usually to the point where I do something foolish. I felt so ashamed already, and then M said, in his 'disappointed' tone of voice that it wasn't really the kind of behaviour he wanted people to see from his girl, and I just wanted to curl up and die.
But apart from that, and a token spanking on Saturday night (one minute late to bed last week plus forgot to wash my face before going to bed one night), I can't actually remember the last time I was spanked. But I hasten to add that this is because my mind is so taken up with my new classes and so forth that everything else is slipping, and not because it was actually that long ago!
Monday 21 January 2008
Saturday 19 January 2008
Fantasy
Sometimes I fantasise about Master emphasising his ownership of me more overtly. I'm not talking about an ownership ceremony or something; one does not throw a party after taking a stray pet in off the streets. No, it is much more matter-of-fact than that. I already have rules setting boundaries on my daily life; they remind me that I am not free, but they do not affect my interactions with others. But what if Master invited some friends round, and told me to take their coats and offer them drinks when they arrived? My behaviour would be very similar to that of many hosts and hostesses. The guests might arrive in rapid succession so I might still be in the middle of making teas and coffees for the first set when I must leave off to collect the coats and drink requests from the second set. I would of course try very hard to get them all right but this can be difficult when all the orders are similar and yet still different - milk or no milk, sugar or no sugar, decaf or regular.
I would of course offer sincere apologies to the guest who received something other than what they had asked for, and immediately make them a fresh drink, but in my fantasy this would not be sufficient. My behaviour, my successes and failures, no matter how large or small, reflect on my Master. I imagine being sent to the corner, left empty especially for occasions such as this. Standing with my hands on my head and back to the room, I flush with embarrassment and shame at my lapse - and yet am grateful that he cares enough to correct me immediately, and that he can do so without disrupting our guests' visit. We know that most of our friends are kinky, but not everyone wants their plans for a visit interrupted by the unpleasantness of witnessing an errant pet being chastised - this way Master can preserve our guests' comfort levels while emphasising to me that I need to take better care. Standing in the corner while everything else went on as normal, temporarily excluded due to my own lack of care and attention, I would feel very chastened.
I am only released in order to fetch the snacks I had prepared earlier, and am careful to offer them with due care and attention. Master might snap his fingers and point to the coffee table, then to a spot by his feet. Like an obedient pet, I would put the tray on the table and move to kneel at his feet. I imagine Master's fingers carding through my hair while he continues his conversation with two friends. I know my eyes would drift shut as I felt the bliss of our reconnection, know that I was forgiven and loved, that he was pleased with me.
Later I might be released from such restrictive service - not for my benefit, you understand, but for our guests who are my friends as well and so might be disappointed not to be able to chat with me at all. Master would be careful to ensure that our dynamic fit as smoothly as possible into the on-going social interactions, but I may still have to utter a hasty "excuse me please" to a friend and respond to his summons at least once in the course of an afternoon and evening.
Mostly, my fantasy stops here. This isn't about hot sex or hot punishment scenes, although I do fantasise about those as well. This fantasy is about my status as Master's pet being casually, incidentally mixed into our more 'normal' social interactions; not disrupting the flow of things, not taking centre stage, just being one of the myriad dynamics that ebb and flow when a group of people interact with each other.
Of course, the fantasy doesn't always stop there. The greatest display of Master's ownership of me, and of my obedience to him, might occur if these smaller, more incidental interactions led to questions. Why do you get to boss her about? A friend might ask. How is it that she jumps to fulfil your slightest whim? How far does your control go? How much power do you have over her?
There are many ways we might answer these, but the easiest might be a demonstration. If so, there are many things that Master might choose to do, all of which make me shiver with a heady mix of embarrassment, lust and adoration.
What if Master decided to show them the marks from my last whipping? Being partially exposed for that would possibly be worse than being entirely naked. And I would strive to keep my equilibrium while having to participate in the conversations - why I'd been punished, what I'd got, how many, how hard. What if the conversation led to other aspects of his control - such as over my cunt, my orgasms, my pleasure? I can imagine his fingers calmly spreading my labia apart, increasing my exposure, demonstrating my arousal - while I stood quietly with my hands clasped behind me, legs spread wide and hips thrust forward to offer him the best access. It is, after all, what an obedient pet would do, and my embarrassment would be immaterial, beyond his enjoyment of it.
What if they asked to touch me? I can not imagine whether he'd say yes or no. At this point no bare hand has touched my bare cunt for over nine months, except his. If he refused, kept me for himself, it would emphasise his ownership of me, that I am his possession - but so would giving them access, because either way the decision is about my body but out of my control.
This, then, is the essence of my fantasy, and is also my reality - decisions about my body, about whether my actions are acceptable or not, about the course of my life, are made by my Master. Gradually, as we continue this, I am increasingly *wanting* the things he has decided, whatever they may be. This suggests that my mind, while not under his direct control, is also receptive to his will and eager to submit to it, to bend, to be moulded into an attitude that pleases him. As is my heart, which yearns for him more and more every time we are apart.
My submission continues. His ownership continues. I surrender to his authority, and revel in my captivity.
Monday 14 January 2008
Owned.
Last night I got very frusted about some things that are going on in my life at the moment, and then M held me while I cried. I didn't actually feel that much better though and wound up having a bit of an Attitude while talking with M. Part of it was that I wanted control over something, and sometimes my strategies for this aren't as good as they could be so it feels like the only way I can do this is to be rude and to break my rules. The other part of it was just that I was feeling sulky and sort of wanted the rest of the universe to know about it (yes, very mature, I know).
During this M was talking to me about my rules for the following week. He's lifted the no swearing rule (thank fuck for that!) but moved my bedtime back because I keep being so tired, and if it's a late bedtime I don't go to bed earlier on my own. So now I have to be in bed by eleven and my light has to be off by half past. Ugh!
Because I was sulky and attention-seeking, I scowled and said "well, what if I don't want any rules at all." M was very patient and held me, and within a couple of minutes I was crying again. I did actually know the whole time that I was going to have rules no matter what I said. And deep down this was a very comforting thought. I did toy with the idea of systematically breaking them all week - M would certainly have recognised this as one of the choices I get to make. Except I know that I have to accept the consequences of my choices, and that he would have then systematically punished me for each one that I broke and for each time I broke it, in turn. Not. Worth. It. But it was somehow angrily satisfying to think about how I could have been deliberately disobedient and wayward all week.
Much later in the evening I admitted to M that, although I'd been thinking of breaking all my rules, I'd suddenly realised half way through my musings that I would not be able to break my rule about touching my cunt. Or more specifically, not touching my cunt with my bare fingers. It's one of the most powerful reminders, for me, that I don't belong to myself, I belong to M, and he's the one who decides who, where, when and how I am touched. And that to emphasise this, my bare cunt is off limits to me (but not to other partners).
So, although I'd been tempted to break all my other rules, about bed times and junk food and so forth, I'd balked at the idea of breaking the rule that symbolises my status as his pet. Aside from the fact that I know exactly what the punishment would be and there's no way I ever want to incur it, I also still had enough sense to want to preserve what we have. But also, it just struck me as something akin to blasphemous. As being completely beyond the pale. Because I am his, and don't actually want to display that level of disrespect.
I'm really pleased about that.
During this M was talking to me about my rules for the following week. He's lifted the no swearing rule (thank fuck for that!) but moved my bedtime back because I keep being so tired, and if it's a late bedtime I don't go to bed earlier on my own. So now I have to be in bed by eleven and my light has to be off by half past. Ugh!
Because I was sulky and attention-seeking, I scowled and said "well, what if I don't want any rules at all." M was very patient and held me, and within a couple of minutes I was crying again. I did actually know the whole time that I was going to have rules no matter what I said. And deep down this was a very comforting thought. I did toy with the idea of systematically breaking them all week - M would certainly have recognised this as one of the choices I get to make. Except I know that I have to accept the consequences of my choices, and that he would have then systematically punished me for each one that I broke and for each time I broke it, in turn. Not. Worth. It. But it was somehow angrily satisfying to think about how I could have been deliberately disobedient and wayward all week.
Much later in the evening I admitted to M that, although I'd been thinking of breaking all my rules, I'd suddenly realised half way through my musings that I would not be able to break my rule about touching my cunt. Or more specifically, not touching my cunt with my bare fingers. It's one of the most powerful reminders, for me, that I don't belong to myself, I belong to M, and he's the one who decides who, where, when and how I am touched. And that to emphasise this, my bare cunt is off limits to me (but not to other partners).
So, although I'd been tempted to break all my other rules, about bed times and junk food and so forth, I'd balked at the idea of breaking the rule that symbolises my status as his pet. Aside from the fact that I know exactly what the punishment would be and there's no way I ever want to incur it, I also still had enough sense to want to preserve what we have. But also, it just struck me as something akin to blasphemous. As being completely beyond the pale. Because I am his, and don't actually want to display that level of disrespect.
I'm really pleased about that.
Monday 7 January 2008
Orgasms
Almost as soon as I'd shut down my computer last night, I wanted to make another post. This time about orgasms.
Not long after we got together, I started talking to M about my desire for him to have control over my orgasms. It's very exciting to think that he would be the one to decide when, where and how I might be permitted to come.
In 2006 we started experimenting with this, and in April 2007 M told me that I was not permitted to touch my cunt directly with my bare fingers. That it was his, that he would decide who got to touch it and when and how, and that it was off limits to me. If I wanted to masturbate I would use gloves. Unlike previous rules M decided that this rule would not be for a finite period, but would be for the foreseeable future, and we would see how well I managed with it. Well, it's still going - I've become pretty adept at masturbating with a glove on and within three months had managed to work my way back up to the multiple orgasms I used to enjoy.
In the latter half of last year I started talking again about M controlling my orgasms - not just how I might have them, but when they might be permitted and how many. I'm pretty greedy and can happily keep going for hours. But if my body belongs to M (and it does) and my pleasure is supposed to be at his discretion (and it is) then what was I doing still having orgasms whenever I wanted and as many as I wanted?
There were a few weeks then where M would instruct me to masturbate, for example, on three separate nights but that I was only allowed two orgasms (whether I had them on the same night or different ones was up to me). Or another time I had to masturbate on three different nights, and I was required to have exactly one orgasm each time.
We discovered a rather fun side effect of this, which is that it leaves me just unsatisfied enough, just needy enough, to make me more responsive to M. To send him horny text messages all week and then shamelessly beg for his attentions when we next meet.
So, M's instituted a rule for January. I am only allowed one orgasm per 24 hour period. And within that, this week, I am required to masturbate every night.
Last night I managed to be 4 minutes late for bed (too busy getting the previous post edited...) and then by the time I'd actually got settled and turned out the light I realised it was only 3 minutes to midnight. I would either have to come before those 3 minutes were up, or I'd be having a Monday orgasm instead of a Sunday orgasm. I decided to save the orgasm for tonight and was a good girl, masturbating to the edge of orgasm and then stopping. I am very glad that I've taken to wearing pyjamas in bed though, as the extra layer to prevent 'accidents' is needed more than ever...
Not long after we got together, I started talking to M about my desire for him to have control over my orgasms. It's very exciting to think that he would be the one to decide when, where and how I might be permitted to come.
In 2006 we started experimenting with this, and in April 2007 M told me that I was not permitted to touch my cunt directly with my bare fingers. That it was his, that he would decide who got to touch it and when and how, and that it was off limits to me. If I wanted to masturbate I would use gloves. Unlike previous rules M decided that this rule would not be for a finite period, but would be for the foreseeable future, and we would see how well I managed with it. Well, it's still going - I've become pretty adept at masturbating with a glove on and within three months had managed to work my way back up to the multiple orgasms I used to enjoy.
In the latter half of last year I started talking again about M controlling my orgasms - not just how I might have them, but when they might be permitted and how many. I'm pretty greedy and can happily keep going for hours. But if my body belongs to M (and it does) and my pleasure is supposed to be at his discretion (and it is) then what was I doing still having orgasms whenever I wanted and as many as I wanted?
There were a few weeks then where M would instruct me to masturbate, for example, on three separate nights but that I was only allowed two orgasms (whether I had them on the same night or different ones was up to me). Or another time I had to masturbate on three different nights, and I was required to have exactly one orgasm each time.
We discovered a rather fun side effect of this, which is that it leaves me just unsatisfied enough, just needy enough, to make me more responsive to M. To send him horny text messages all week and then shamelessly beg for his attentions when we next meet.
So, M's instituted a rule for January. I am only allowed one orgasm per 24 hour period. And within that, this week, I am required to masturbate every night.
Last night I managed to be 4 minutes late for bed (too busy getting the previous post edited...) and then by the time I'd actually got settled and turned out the light I realised it was only 3 minutes to midnight. I would either have to come before those 3 minutes were up, or I'd be having a Monday orgasm instead of a Sunday orgasm. I decided to save the orgasm for tonight and was a good girl, masturbating to the edge of orgasm and then stopping. I am very glad that I've taken to wearing pyjamas in bed though, as the extra layer to prevent 'accidents' is needed more than ever...
Sunday 6 January 2008
Disobedient
I mentioned last week that over Christmas I had a bout of feeling cut loose, disconnected, not grounded, because my rules didn't apply when I was with M. We're now tentatively feeling our way towards putting some in place. In the mean time we've managed to work our way back to feeling connected with each other and grounded in our roles and responsibilities.
A large part of this reconnecting and re-grounding (for me at least) happened last night. When M, feeling that I was once more sufficiently reconnected and grounded to appreciate the importance, brought up my behaviour on New Year's Eve and New Year's day.
On New Year's Eve I woke up feeling anxious and disconnected (yes, I know I'm using this word a lot but it's the right one). It's a long-standing rule that M has access to any part of me whenever and wherever he wants. Normally I very much enjoy this rule and certainly feeling his hand slip inside my pyjama trousers while we're waking up in the morning is hardly a new experience. But on this morning I was about as far from a submissive headspace as it's possible to get. Part of me was still remembering my rules and knew I had to put my hands behind me and open my legs, to give him unrestricted access. The rest of me was resentfully wondering who the hell he thought he was to touch me like that. I managed to work myself up into such a state that within a few minutes I had to tell him that I felt violated.
We stopped and cuddled and talked. I cried. M spent a lot of time reassuring me. Towards the end of the conversation I rather hesitantly asked if I could have some rules for the day, as I felt they would help me to feel more connected and also reassure me that I was his as I'd begun to feel like I wasn't.
Among my rules, we agreed that while visiting a friend's house for the New Year's Eve party I was not allowed on furniture without permission. This included chairs, the arms of sofas, and so forth. I was permitted to sit on the floor, on stairs or on other people. I specifically asked for this rule, as it has previously made me feel extremely owned and submissive to his authority.
As we were getting dressed M also decided that I was to wear something around my neck all day. It would have to be something acceptable in general public as we would be out for most of the day, so he tied one of his ties around my neck. I was already dressed and the shirt I was wearing did not have a collar. Then I realised that none of the shirts I had with me were appropriate to wear with ties. I grew very unhappy with this and also within minutes felt like it was suffocating me although it wasn't at all tight. Looking back on it now I realise that the feeling was essentially a negative response to the loss of freedom that the tie symbollised. It didn't stay symbollic for long, though - I looked up at M from my position on the floor, gathering together the things I needed for the day, and said "I'm not wearing this any more." And took it off and threw it on the floor.
We have a rule that if M puts something on me or in me, it stays there until he decides it comes off/out again.
I also did not replace it with anything, not even a necklace, despite M having just told me I was to have something around my neck all day, and so spent the rest of the day (until 4am the next morning, in fact) with a naked neck.
When I was yanking the tie off I suppose part of me did realise that what I was doing was naughty, but I didn't stop to consider this at all. In fact it wasn't until M sat me down yesterday and walked me through what happened, that I realised the full import of what I'd done.
Later that afternoon we were at the party at our friend's house, and M came through to find me sitting on a sofa and chatting with another friend. Several conversations later I wandered out to find him again, having just remembered that I was not supposed to sit on the furniture. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was along the lines of "I've been sitting on the furniture, I've only just realised and I don't know how many times I've broken the rule." It didn't seem particularly important to me, it never occurred to me that I might get into trouble over it. I continued to use the furniture normally for the rest of the night. I completely failed to spot M's small comments and looks of disappointment.
Looking back on it now I find it difficult to believe how far I'd drifted away from my usual attentive, submissive thought patterns. At one point I commented to M that I'd kept using the furniture even after I'd remembered that I wasn't supposed to, because it genuinely hadn't seemed like a big deal and I really didn't think he cared (as opposed to trying to get a reaction from him, in which case I'd usually tell him that I was thinking of doing something naughty in order to get a reaction, rather than actually doing it. Normally I'm a pretty good girl...).
So yesterday, off and on through the day, M and I talked about this. And in the evening when my housemates had gone out, he punished me.
A couple of months ago we went to a fetish fair and picked up a small rubber paddle with a tire tread pattern down one side. It was small and heavy and when he'd tried it on my hand in the market, I'd thought I'd quite like it. Unfortunately I'd learnt the opposite almost as soon as we'd got home and after that first experiment had declared it "awful" and "horrible" and hidden it behind all the other toys. Well, because this was a serious punishment for a serious transgression, M used it. Between its effects and my suddenly overwhelming guilt at being such a Bad Girl (I don't normally think of it as Bad, in my head 'Bad' translates to 'irredeemable' and 'not to be bothered with'. We tend to talk about me being naughty), I couldn't stop crying. At one point I was nearly hysterical, despite M not actually using very much force - I've certainly had much harder play spankings - and he had to pause and make me have a drink to get me to calm down. After the paddle M had used the cane but only lightly, stinging little cuts that I hate. I was frantically wriggling to avoid them, and crying as hard as ever. And then it got worse.
I'd confessed to him earlier that for me anal play is very much about power exchange and, if it's my anus, about his control over me (I can't believe I'm writing about this). And that on the rare occasions when he's pressed a butt plug into me, it's very effectively focussed my attention on the fact that he's in charge, and I'm not. So I was still crying my eyes out when he ordered me over some pillows on the bed, and started applying lubricant to my anus. And then used the force of my sobs to help press the plug all the way in, before coming back up the bed and taking me into his arms.
Eventually the hysterical crying stopped and we talked for a bit, but I still felt so much guilt that I was convinced I couldn't live with myself (somewhat melodramatic, I know). Eventually I wound up asking M for some more strokes of the cane - but fiercer, harder ones that bite in and where the pain keeps building for several seconds after the stroke lands. He agreed but the plug had to stay in for them and I think I took another five or six. I was reduced to tears again at the first stroke, but at least I felt that I was "properly" paying for my sins.
The worst thing was that between my renewed crying and the involuntary clenching of my bottom from the pain of the cane, I started panicking that the plug was going to fall out. But I'm not allowed to break position or put a hand back while I'm being punished. I got half way out of position before I remembered and then the disapproval in his voice as he told me to get back into position (he rarely has to) set me off wailing even more, even as I tried to explain about the plug. He held it in with one hand while using the cane in the other to whack the tops of my thighs. Which was awful. But the most awful moment, worse than the pain, worse than the shame of having been so disobedient, the most embarrassing and humiliating moment of the whole thing was when he took the plug out again afterwards.
M spent a lot of time after that reassuring me that I was forgiven, that I was loved, that I was still his and he wasn't giving up on me. The little girl even came out for a bit (although she couldn't suck her thumb, as she couldn't breathe through her nose!) and cried about how sorry she was that she'd been so naughty. I don't know why it's different, as that's what the 'big me' had been crying about already, but it is different and it does help when she can come out and be reassured and loved as well.
-----------------------------
I took three more strokes before we went to bed that night - I asked M for them, counting and thanking him for each one and saying "I will be a good girl this week". They hurt, and I loved them, and I didn't even want to rub aftewards. M had great fun making me roll over to lie on my back and listening to the noises I made as my sore bottom made contact with the sheets. There were no marks this morning but every time I scooted forward on my seat for the first few hours, I'd let out an involuntary little yelp and M would laugh.
And if I'm to fulfil that promise, to be M's good girl this week, I have to get my skates on and get to bed.
A large part of this reconnecting and re-grounding (for me at least) happened last night. When M, feeling that I was once more sufficiently reconnected and grounded to appreciate the importance, brought up my behaviour on New Year's Eve and New Year's day.
On New Year's Eve I woke up feeling anxious and disconnected (yes, I know I'm using this word a lot but it's the right one). It's a long-standing rule that M has access to any part of me whenever and wherever he wants. Normally I very much enjoy this rule and certainly feeling his hand slip inside my pyjama trousers while we're waking up in the morning is hardly a new experience. But on this morning I was about as far from a submissive headspace as it's possible to get. Part of me was still remembering my rules and knew I had to put my hands behind me and open my legs, to give him unrestricted access. The rest of me was resentfully wondering who the hell he thought he was to touch me like that. I managed to work myself up into such a state that within a few minutes I had to tell him that I felt violated.
We stopped and cuddled and talked. I cried. M spent a lot of time reassuring me. Towards the end of the conversation I rather hesitantly asked if I could have some rules for the day, as I felt they would help me to feel more connected and also reassure me that I was his as I'd begun to feel like I wasn't.
Among my rules, we agreed that while visiting a friend's house for the New Year's Eve party I was not allowed on furniture without permission. This included chairs, the arms of sofas, and so forth. I was permitted to sit on the floor, on stairs or on other people. I specifically asked for this rule, as it has previously made me feel extremely owned and submissive to his authority.
As we were getting dressed M also decided that I was to wear something around my neck all day. It would have to be something acceptable in general public as we would be out for most of the day, so he tied one of his ties around my neck. I was already dressed and the shirt I was wearing did not have a collar. Then I realised that none of the shirts I had with me were appropriate to wear with ties. I grew very unhappy with this and also within minutes felt like it was suffocating me although it wasn't at all tight. Looking back on it now I realise that the feeling was essentially a negative response to the loss of freedom that the tie symbollised. It didn't stay symbollic for long, though - I looked up at M from my position on the floor, gathering together the things I needed for the day, and said "I'm not wearing this any more." And took it off and threw it on the floor.
We have a rule that if M puts something on me or in me, it stays there until he decides it comes off/out again.
I also did not replace it with anything, not even a necklace, despite M having just told me I was to have something around my neck all day, and so spent the rest of the day (until 4am the next morning, in fact) with a naked neck.
When I was yanking the tie off I suppose part of me did realise that what I was doing was naughty, but I didn't stop to consider this at all. In fact it wasn't until M sat me down yesterday and walked me through what happened, that I realised the full import of what I'd done.
Later that afternoon we were at the party at our friend's house, and M came through to find me sitting on a sofa and chatting with another friend. Several conversations later I wandered out to find him again, having just remembered that I was not supposed to sit on the furniture. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was along the lines of "I've been sitting on the furniture, I've only just realised and I don't know how many times I've broken the rule." It didn't seem particularly important to me, it never occurred to me that I might get into trouble over it. I continued to use the furniture normally for the rest of the night. I completely failed to spot M's small comments and looks of disappointment.
Looking back on it now I find it difficult to believe how far I'd drifted away from my usual attentive, submissive thought patterns. At one point I commented to M that I'd kept using the furniture even after I'd remembered that I wasn't supposed to, because it genuinely hadn't seemed like a big deal and I really didn't think he cared (as opposed to trying to get a reaction from him, in which case I'd usually tell him that I was thinking of doing something naughty in order to get a reaction, rather than actually doing it. Normally I'm a pretty good girl...).
So yesterday, off and on through the day, M and I talked about this. And in the evening when my housemates had gone out, he punished me.
A couple of months ago we went to a fetish fair and picked up a small rubber paddle with a tire tread pattern down one side. It was small and heavy and when he'd tried it on my hand in the market, I'd thought I'd quite like it. Unfortunately I'd learnt the opposite almost as soon as we'd got home and after that first experiment had declared it "awful" and "horrible" and hidden it behind all the other toys. Well, because this was a serious punishment for a serious transgression, M used it. Between its effects and my suddenly overwhelming guilt at being such a Bad Girl (I don't normally think of it as Bad, in my head 'Bad' translates to 'irredeemable' and 'not to be bothered with'. We tend to talk about me being naughty), I couldn't stop crying. At one point I was nearly hysterical, despite M not actually using very much force - I've certainly had much harder play spankings - and he had to pause and make me have a drink to get me to calm down. After the paddle M had used the cane but only lightly, stinging little cuts that I hate. I was frantically wriggling to avoid them, and crying as hard as ever. And then it got worse.
I'd confessed to him earlier that for me anal play is very much about power exchange and, if it's my anus, about his control over me (I can't believe I'm writing about this). And that on the rare occasions when he's pressed a butt plug into me, it's very effectively focussed my attention on the fact that he's in charge, and I'm not. So I was still crying my eyes out when he ordered me over some pillows on the bed, and started applying lubricant to my anus. And then used the force of my sobs to help press the plug all the way in, before coming back up the bed and taking me into his arms.
Eventually the hysterical crying stopped and we talked for a bit, but I still felt so much guilt that I was convinced I couldn't live with myself (somewhat melodramatic, I know). Eventually I wound up asking M for some more strokes of the cane - but fiercer, harder ones that bite in and where the pain keeps building for several seconds after the stroke lands. He agreed but the plug had to stay in for them and I think I took another five or six. I was reduced to tears again at the first stroke, but at least I felt that I was "properly" paying for my sins.
The worst thing was that between my renewed crying and the involuntary clenching of my bottom from the pain of the cane, I started panicking that the plug was going to fall out. But I'm not allowed to break position or put a hand back while I'm being punished. I got half way out of position before I remembered and then the disapproval in his voice as he told me to get back into position (he rarely has to) set me off wailing even more, even as I tried to explain about the plug. He held it in with one hand while using the cane in the other to whack the tops of my thighs. Which was awful. But the most awful moment, worse than the pain, worse than the shame of having been so disobedient, the most embarrassing and humiliating moment of the whole thing was when he took the plug out again afterwards.
M spent a lot of time after that reassuring me that I was forgiven, that I was loved, that I was still his and he wasn't giving up on me. The little girl even came out for a bit (although she couldn't suck her thumb, as she couldn't breathe through her nose!) and cried about how sorry she was that she'd been so naughty. I don't know why it's different, as that's what the 'big me' had been crying about already, but it is different and it does help when she can come out and be reassured and loved as well.
-----------------------------
I took three more strokes before we went to bed that night - I asked M for them, counting and thanking him for each one and saying "I will be a good girl this week". They hurt, and I loved them, and I didn't even want to rub aftewards. M had great fun making me roll over to lie on my back and listening to the noises I made as my sore bottom made contact with the sheets. There were no marks this morning but every time I scooted forward on my seat for the first few hours, I'd let out an involuntary little yelp and M would laugh.
And if I'm to fulfil that promise, to be M's good girl this week, I have to get my skates on and get to bed.
Thursday 3 January 2008
Frustrated*
* in a good way. I suppose.
Of course, if you were away from your boyfriend for two nights and were told you were allowed only one orgasm on one of those two nights - the night after you'd had the orgasm, you'd surely be too sensible to spend most of the evening reading porn on the internet?
Sparkle linked to some wonderful stories that people have written and posted on the internet, and now I want to touch myself. Want to come. Which I'm not allowed to do, because I did last night. So I want to take things that do not belong to me, that I willingly gave away into the control of another person.
I didn't text M to ask him to bend my rules, I just wanted to let him know how I was feeling. Partly because it sort of makes it easier if I share it with him, and partly because he likes the thought of me horny and aching for him.
So I was not surprised that the text I got in reply was not exactly soothing, although I suppose one could argue that it is at least a bit sympathetic (although it doesn't feel that way):
Why not pop the dildo pants on and remember what a lucky girl you'll feel like when I hook my fingers into your cunt tomorrow night.
Night, all.
(Also, I'm beginning to regret my naming of the blog. It seems to be turning into a more general sort of blog exploring my submission to, and with, M. I may have to think about re-naming it.)
Of course, if you were away from your boyfriend for two nights and were told you were allowed only one orgasm on one of those two nights - the night after you'd had the orgasm, you'd surely be too sensible to spend most of the evening reading porn on the internet?
Sparkle linked to some wonderful stories that people have written and posted on the internet, and now I want to touch myself. Want to come. Which I'm not allowed to do, because I did last night. So I want to take things that do not belong to me, that I willingly gave away into the control of another person.
I didn't text M to ask him to bend my rules, I just wanted to let him know how I was feeling. Partly because it sort of makes it easier if I share it with him, and partly because he likes the thought of me horny and aching for him.
So I was not surprised that the text I got in reply was not exactly soothing, although I suppose one could argue that it is at least a bit sympathetic (although it doesn't feel that way):
Why not pop the dildo pants on and remember what a lucky girl you'll feel like when I hook my fingers into your cunt tomorrow night.
Night, all.
(Also, I'm beginning to regret my naming of the blog. It seems to be turning into a more general sort of blog exploring my submission to, and with, M. I may have to think about re-naming it.)
Wednesday 2 January 2008
More on Rules
Happy New Year, everyone! I hope you all got or gave New Year's spankings as appropriate. M was kind enough to promise that mine would not consist of 2,008 strokes. Thank you.
I'm still thinking a lot about rules. I wrote about this just before Christmas but that was about my regular rules which tend to be more relevant when I'm not with M (apart from the rule about not touching my cunt, which is about as absolute as a rule can be). But spending a lot of this holiday with M has highlighted that my rules really only apply when I'm apart from him. I don't have rules for when we're together.
Of course I like this most of the time because it means that seeing M is a bit like a holiday, but we've just found that it doesn't work so well if I'm visiting for several weeks straight. It seems that I wind up feeling not at all submissive, or in any way obedient towards him, and really was starting to feel there was nothing grounding me. It wasn't that I was deliberately disobedient, but my usual practices of deferring to him, or expressing any disagreements politely, and so on, were mostly gone. This culminated with my ordering M to have something done by Friday. Now, it is something that he needs to do with increasing urgency, and it is something he's been putting off for a while. But normally I would have suggested that it might be nice if he had it done by Friday, or maybe we could do it together over the weekend. Rather than getting bossy with him.
So M and I talked about the increasing control he is having over my life (I am, for example, quite happy to ask his permission before seeing friends, and he's happy when I do, so that it's now almost turning into an unwritten rule) and how we both like this but it works less well if there are then suddenly no rules - which seems to be what happens when I stay over for an extended period of time.
Of course, now we come to something of a problem. We don't want to make up rules for the sake of it, they need to have meaning. All the rules I have at the moment are ones that evolved over time and mean enough to us that I know exactly why it's important that I follow them, and that M wants them followed and will take exception if I don't follow them. It's more difficult to translate this to when M and I are together because we're rarely alone and there are children to consider so I can't, for example, ask permission before doing things without causing raised eyebrows and awkward questions.
I'm to spend some time thinking about this before Friday, but if anyone has any suggestions I would be glad to hear them.
I'm still thinking a lot about rules. I wrote about this just before Christmas but that was about my regular rules which tend to be more relevant when I'm not with M (apart from the rule about not touching my cunt, which is about as absolute as a rule can be). But spending a lot of this holiday with M has highlighted that my rules really only apply when I'm apart from him. I don't have rules for when we're together.
Of course I like this most of the time because it means that seeing M is a bit like a holiday, but we've just found that it doesn't work so well if I'm visiting for several weeks straight. It seems that I wind up feeling not at all submissive, or in any way obedient towards him, and really was starting to feel there was nothing grounding me. It wasn't that I was deliberately disobedient, but my usual practices of deferring to him, or expressing any disagreements politely, and so on, were mostly gone. This culminated with my ordering M to have something done by Friday. Now, it is something that he needs to do with increasing urgency, and it is something he's been putting off for a while. But normally I would have suggested that it might be nice if he had it done by Friday, or maybe we could do it together over the weekend. Rather than getting bossy with him.
So M and I talked about the increasing control he is having over my life (I am, for example, quite happy to ask his permission before seeing friends, and he's happy when I do, so that it's now almost turning into an unwritten rule) and how we both like this but it works less well if there are then suddenly no rules - which seems to be what happens when I stay over for an extended period of time.
Of course, now we come to something of a problem. We don't want to make up rules for the sake of it, they need to have meaning. All the rules I have at the moment are ones that evolved over time and mean enough to us that I know exactly why it's important that I follow them, and that M wants them followed and will take exception if I don't follow them. It's more difficult to translate this to when M and I are together because we're rarely alone and there are children to consider so I can't, for example, ask permission before doing things without causing raised eyebrows and awkward questions.
I'm to spend some time thinking about this before Friday, but if anyone has any suggestions I would be glad to hear them.
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