Guilt

I've been completely unmotivated to write anything here because, well, there hasn't really been much going on IRL. Of course when I start to unpick that assertion it falls apart a bit - there hasn't been much overt kink, although there have been a few instances, but the underlying d/s is still there, even though I'm still having trouble with it.

Back in April, exactly one year after he told me I wasn't allowed to touch my cunt with my bare fingers any more, after a year of using gloves or not being allowed to touch at all, we lay in bed together and he guided my bare fingers down to my cunt and let me touch. I came, repeatedly, and I cried, because it was so intense, because I loved him so much, because I was so grateful to be allowed to touch.

I'm hoping he'll let me again, but of course if he think I expect it, there's zero chance it'll happen.

There's been hardly any spanking, though. I haven't been wanting it, and we've both been busy and stressed and things. Except for a couple of weekends ago when we were snuggled up on the sofa and I started speculating, aloud, about various naughty things I could do. M was mostly just listening to me with an indulgent smile on his face, but when the Brat voice came out, and when I then suggested getting into his bed without permission, he got the message that I was asking for a spanking.

He spanked one side only. He spanked it hot and rosy and yummy and ignored my pouting and sulking at the beginning and I think enjoyed my sighing and moaning and pressing back against his hand later on. Then he let me up and said he'd do the other side later.

Sadly a couple of weeks later, this hasn't happened - sometimes life's a real pain!

The problem is, I seem to be regaining my libido and therefore my desire for spankings (although don't look now, because of course one of the biggest problems with overcoming mental blocks is pushing too hard!), BUT I've got finals next week, haven't seen M since last Thursday and won't for a while - well, we're going to the cinema on Friday night but I need to come home afterwards. And I've a terrible guilty conscience. About breaking my rules, about not studying enough, and soon after waking up this morning had a vivid memory of touching my cunt - a lot, exploring the folds, enjoying the feel of warm wet heat... and I've no idea if it's a dream or if I actually did it.

I'm scared of everything at the moment - understandable given that my finals are next week, but the stress of that means I've been bad about other things and I don't want to tell M because I don't want to be in trouble, but if I'm not in trouble then it could only mean everything was over.

It feels cowardly to basically tell him by letting him read it here, but I haven't the guts for anything else.